It would have been close to 40 minutes since the film began and everything between us was said only in silence. We never uttered a word fearing that it would be the last word between us. And none of the two wanted to say it.
Our arms were entwined and we stared into each other’s eyes in the darkness. The luminous silver screen gave an unusual glint to her broad blue eyes under the well trimmed brows. Her black eye lines were a little smudged. With tears? Perhaps not. Her eyes were usually a little watery. Perhaps it was just my desire to see those tears of love before we parted. I could not take my eyes off her. The parting of her long black hair ran into darkness. Her supple brown skin glowed at her cheek. She held her lips tight together as if she were in great pain. There was a vague thought of the horrible hours and days ahead that I’ll have to spend reminiscing this moment, but for most part I felt numb.
I squeezed her palm a little – a weak assertion that I will not let go of her.
Her rosy lips parted. She started to say something but pursed them immediately and turned her eyes off mine. A pearl of a tear trickled down her cheek. It sparkled in the darkness. I wished I never wished to see those tears. It burnt a hole in my heart. She wriggled her arms out of my grip.
We knew the doom was near. Another one hour and a few minutes and our time would be over. We’ll have to say ‘good-bye’ to each other. We’ll have to part ways.
*****************************************
I met Emily in the first year of graduation. We were in the same class and we got along instantaneously. It was her wide-blue-eyes that grabbed my attention.
She was a sweet thing; ever ready to laugh at anything that remotely resembled a joke. And her laughter was something that was an aberration to her general docile nature – it was rather loud and came out like a hiccup, and that would make the others laugh. Many a times, I’ve caught the one who cracked the joke looking quite embarrassed.
Not just her laughter but she was also easily moved. It doesn’t take much to bring a tear to her eye. But she was always gentle with pain. She would hardly weep and the pearly tears that trickle down her cheek would be only sign left of the agony she is in. And the moment she is aware someone is watching her cry, she would immediately turn around, wipe of the wetness and turn back with a forced smile.
Nearly four months into the ‘friendship’ and the two of us realised our relationship had more to it than nearly hanging out with others and laughing at their jokes. In no time we drifted off from the gang and found a world of our own in which we lived the next four years. There were everything we needed in the world we created – fun, companionship, sparks of passion, fights, tears, and laughter, laughter and more laughter; hiccupy ones though.
“Promise me you’d never leave me,” she said while she lay on my lap as I caressed her long black hair. We were on my mattress on the floor in my rented apartment near our college.
We would often sneak out of college and spend hours in my apartment when I was sure the rest of the boys who shared the accommodation with me would not return for a while.
“Why do you ask that Emily? You know I wouldn’t leave you.”
She smiled and whispered: “I love you.”
I kissed her forehead.
*****************************************
Four years of graduation got over in no time and all of us suddenly found ourselves applying for jobs. It took me only three months to get placed with a multinational corporation and with a decent pay-package. Emily did not try for a job as her dad planned to send her to USA to do post graduation.
Things looked favourable to us – Emily’s higher studies would give us just the right amount of time for me to get settled in my job and be better placed before I could go to her parents and ask for her hands. Yet there was this vague fear in our minds. What if her parents did not approve of me?
True that I had a good job but that was the only thing to my credit – my hard earned job. I had no other credentials to match a girl of Emily’s social stature. I had no fat bank balance. I have no relatives. I do not have a native town. I knew nothing about my ancestors.
I was an orphan.
I was brought up in a Christian orphanage and Fr. David told me I was found abandoned at their doorstep when I was only a few-months-old.
Emily and I have discussed about this many times but never reached a conclusion. Her father was a rich businessman and very conservative in his attitude. Besides, Emily was their only child. She was positive that he would never approve of our relationship. Our only hope was her mother.
Sooner than we expected, she got admission in one of the universities in USA. She only had a month to make preparations to leave and I had only a week’s time before I reported at my new office in a far away city.
“Don’t you think we must present our case to my mom before I left?” she said.
We were sitting hand-in-hand on the floor of the balcony of my apartment. My roommates had left for their native towns after the exams and I decided to stay back to have all the time I can bargain for with Emily.
“Would that be wise?”
“I don’t know but…”
“I haven’t joined my job yet. Don’t you think we must wait a little longer? I mean…”
“Ye! I can understand but…”
A brief silence swept between us.
“I don’t know but I don’t feel too good. What if…” she stopped her sentence midway.
“Is there anything wrong?”
She looked into my eyes. Her eyes brimmed. It felt like she was trying to say something but could not.
“Anything wrong Emily?”
She let out a sigh and said: “No. Nothing.”
Silence again.
I put my arms around her shoulder and held her closer to me. She rested her head on my shoulder and took my free hand in hers and held my palm tight, fingers between fingers. I kissed her forehead.
She always liked me doing that. It calmed her mind, soothed her soul and made her feel she was needed. She closed her eyes and dozed off. The orange sun began to sink at the horizon. The birds flying back to their nests were silhouettes on a sky that was a splash of varied hues – blue, indigo, turquoise, yellow, amber, red...
The rather warm breeze danced with the free end of her hair.
*****************************************
I thought thought and thought over what she said and finally decided to take the risk. I called her up that night and asked her to talk about us to her mother.
The next day I get a call from her.
“It’s rather good news,” she said.
“What?”
“My dad wants to meet you. He asked you to come and meet him the day after.”
“Really? I mean…”
“Yes. Seems like my mom talked about us to him and today morning he asked me about you during breakfast. He said he wanted to see you in person.”
“Was he angry or anything? Any sign of anything bad?”
“No. He kept a rather straight face. But that’s my dad. I have never seen him emotive in my life.”
“Hm…”
“You’ll make it, right?”
“Yes. Yes I will. But what is he going to ask me? I mean, it feels a little odd and frankly I’m a little scared.”
“Oh, come on! It’s alright. Everything’ll be just fine.”
*****************************************
That was the first time I went to her house and honestly the gigantic structure made me shrink.
I’ve only heard her talk about the huge house but I never expected it to be so grand. The structure stood a good 1,000 feet from the tall and big ornate gate. The drive way had a fountain at the middle and vast green lawns on either side. The portico was big enough to accommodate a dancing elephant and had a white Benz and a silver Toyota parked in. The fox-orange Nissan she drives to the college stood in a shed at the far end of the lawn.
In all our years of togetherness, I never really bothered to check her background. I was always convinced that a good job would make me eligible enough for her, however rich she was. Besides, we were always happy in our little world.
But now…
The mere sight of her house crushed me. My foot became unsure. Should I turn back?
I stood near the fountain nearly breathless and trying to come to terms with reality.
I suddenly noticed Emily waving at me from the window of her room in the first-floor.
A fair young man in grey suite came out of the house and welcomed me in.
Now, I really do not have the ‘thing’ to narrate what I saw inside. To put it simple, the interior of the house did total justice to the exterior – it reeked in abundance.
The man in grey suite showed me the way to the living room and made sure I was comfortably seated in the big plush sofa.
There was a mug of cold coffee waiting for me at the crystal teapoy in front of me.
“You can wait here. Mr. Johnson’s in a meeting. He’ll meet you shortly,” said the young guy in grey suit and left.
I looked around. The more of the richness I saw, the smaller and smaller I felt. I thought I’d break down and cry. That’s the moment I realised the extent of the mistake I did. I should have known Emily was miles beyond my reach. I got up to leave but…
I saw Emily’s dad walking into the room. He wore an elegant black double-breasted suit and his salt & pepper beard was trimmed to precision. I felt my knees nearly jerking. I knew I had no answers for his questions.
Just one look at me—my faded blue shirt, faded jeans and the pathetic floaters—and I thought he nearly smirked.
He asked me to sit down and took the seat opposite.
There was an awkward silence that followed but I was thankful for it. I prayed under my breath that the silence was never broken.
He cleared his throat and said in a steely voice: “Hello.”
His tone showed no sign of any emotion. I was clueless about what was going in his mind.
“Hi sir,” my voice, perhaps, jerked a little.
I knew what was coming next and I waited anxiously for the final blow.
“So, Emily says she likes to get married to you. She says you’re the right person for her. Is that so?”
“Sir…”
He didn’t let me complete. Even if he had I never knew what I would have said.
“I heard about you from her. I did make enquiries about you.”
I did not have anything to say. I held my head low as if I was guilty of a grave mistake. The only other time I hung my head so low was back in my early school days when Fr. David caught me sword fighting with a life-size statue of Saint Michael in our orphanage. Paily, the old carpenter, had given me a wooden plank with a pointed edge and I went around hitting and poking everything on my way with it until I saw the statue of the Saint. In no time, I became the Satan and I was fighting him at the war in haven. Fr. David made me read the entire ‘Book of Revelation’, standing at a corner of his room while he prayed with his beads.
After a brief pause that seemed like hours, he said: “You still think you’re a good match for my daughter?”
His voice was grave. I sensed Emily standing at the door of the room. My eyes started welling up. I wiped away my tears with a swift hand. I got up and without looking at his face, I said: “I’m really sorry sir.”
And I walked away without looking back. I heard him getting up from his seat. I felt Emily’s gaze on me as I passed her but I did not have the courage to look into her eyes again. She whispered: “I’m sorry.”
*****************************************
I lay on the floor of the balcony of my empty apartment. The stars shone bright on a cloudless sky. The moon was full and its milky glow bathed me. The heat of the day had not yet left the mosaic floor. It felt a little sticky where my bear skin touched the floor.
Everything seemed like a nightmare. Suddenly I’m at a dead end. I did not know where to turn to.
I had called Fr. David soon as I reached home. I told him everything. He just said: “Never hurt your soul son. Everything happens according to God’s will. Keep faith and you will feel better in a few days.”
Usually a chat-up with Fr. David makes things better for me. His words have always reassured me when I felt troubled. But tonight all he said sounded like hollow words. They were not enough to soothe my aching heart. I cried, cried and cried till I could no more. I decided I’d leave town the next day. Immediately I packed everything, called up the landlord to inform him about my sudden departure and made all arrangements to leave early the next morning.
All the while Emily kept calling me in my mobile but I never answered. The last time I checked there were 25 missed calls. I did not feel like talking to her. I mean, what shall we talk about?
A wishing star passed the night sky. My eyes traced its silvery trail. My mobile rang again. It was Emily. I answered: “Hello.”
There was silence at the other end.
I got annoyed. I was about to cut the call when I heard her say ‘hello’ in a sob-soaked voice.
I felt something melting in me. I held the phone closer to my ears.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry…” she started crying.
I was speechless. I didn’t know what to say.
“You there?” she said.
“Yes.”
“Please know that I didn’t do anything on purpose. True that I kept away many things from you. But that was only because I was afraid I might loose you. I know you. I love you too much. I didn’t want to risk anything. Please… Please…”
I let out a deep sigh. I knew it was a dead end. There was nothing I could do. I felt heavy again.
I said: “I’m leaving town tomorrow.”
Silence.
I could hear my wrist-watch ticking. Tick-tick-tick-tick…
She broke it: “Oh! I know I can’t stop you. But please do not hate me.”
I do not know why but I started shouting at her. I let out the fume I was holding back till then. She listened to it all without a word. There was silence again when I was done.
“I’m sorry. Just don’t hate me for it,” she said and started weeping.
I let her weep and all that shouting took off a load off my mind. I felt calmer.
“I wouldn’t ask you for much but could we meet once, just one more time before you go?”
I did not answer her.
“It’s a request. I really want to.”
*****************************************
The movie came to a close and all the lights in the big hall came to life again. Everyone began to get up from their seats and walk up the aisle.
We stayed back. We were trying to fight time. Soon the hall became empty except for the two of us. With the lights on, we didn’t dare to look at each other’s face. We were scared we would never be able to forget the look on it.
“It’s time,” she said.
“Yes. It’s time.”
We sat in silence again.
“I want you to do something,” I said.
“What?”
“Just get up and leave. I’ll get out only after you’re gone. I want to see you walking away.”
“I… That’s…”
I did not let her complete.
“Please. It’s a request. Maybe the last thing I could ask of you.”
She started weeping.
“No. No. Please. I don’t mean to hurt you but I can’t be the person leaving you. Remember, you made me promise so?”
She turned to look into my eyes. Her blue eyes were nearly red.
“I love you,” she said.
I forced a smile and involuntarily my arms reached to cup her face. I stopped. I hesitated but she kept staring into my eyes.
I kissed her forehead and that was it. She got up and left without turning back.
*****************************************
The airport looked quite busy even at such a late hour as two at night. The place bustled with trolleys being pulled from one end to another, floor staffs running around like busy bees, security guards talking over the wireless; toddlers running around, skidding accidentally on the smooth floor and falling down, getting back to their feet, some crying and some smiling.
A little girl in a yellow frilly frock and with wiry hair took quite a fascination for me. I saw her sitting bored on her mother’s lap when I came to sit down and wait for my plane. The mother was dozing off in her seat. The little one looked cute and I tried to entertain her by showing her faces. She responded.
Guess what? We ended up playing hide and seek – she would hide behind her mother’s chair and I would have to stretch out and find her. It went well for the first few minutes but when I saw that the girl was not getting tired of it, I began to grow weary of the silly game. I tried to pretend I was busy reading the magazine in my hand but the little one wouldn’t leave me. She would come and tug at the sleeve of my shirt and run and hide behind the chair again. Sheesh, these kids!
Our little game was interrupted by the announcement I was waiting for. I immediately got up and giving the little girl a wink, walked away to join the other passengers to board the plane.
It was four years since that last meeting between me and Emily. I did leave town the same day but only later than I had planned. I joined my job on the designated day. I made progress in my professional life and tried my best to sweep the past under the carpet and get along with my personal life. It was not easy in the beginning. I dated a couple of other young women who came my way but it never went well. I could never trust another woman. I thought I hated them all.
Memories of those last few days kept popping in and out of my mind but with time the frequency of it got reduced. I could never forget Emily but her memories began to hurt me lesser and lesser.
Four years since that day, waiting for her one call, a mail, I was almost convinced that she had disappeared from my life forever.
And then…
I login to my mailbox on a Sunday morning and I see her name in my inbox. I was not sure whether my eyes were deceiving me. I waited a whole five-minute anticipating what lay inside. A wedding invitation? Something else?
I clicked on her mail and it read:
Dear Sam,
I’m not sure whether I should be sending this mail. I do not know where you are or how you are. I do not know whether there is someone else in your life now. I do not know how much you think of me these days. I do not know anything… I’m just hoping against hopes that you would at least read this mail. And if you do, just know that I’m still waiting for you. I was-all these years-waiting. Waiting for that one phone call, a mail, or just anything from you asking me to come back. But I never got it. I do not know why I waited. All I know is that I can’t wait any longer. I need to know it. We never said a ‘Good bye’. Are we going to say it now?
Emily.
I sunk in my chair as I read her mail again and again. I took a print out of it and read through it the whole day, again and again and again…
I could make no sense of it. Why after all these years? Why is it so difficult? What does she really want? A closure or a new beginning?
After thinking things over again and again and again, I replied:
Dear Emily,
Please send me your phone number. I need to talk to you. Make it fast. I can’t wait.
With Love,
Sam
And so we called and here I am; about to board the plane that would take me to her.
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